I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

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We once roamed the vast forums of Corona Coming Attractions. Some of us had been around from The Before Times, in the Days of Excelsior, while others of us had only recently begun our trek. When our home became filled with much evil, including the villainous Cannot-Post-in-This-Browser and the dreaded Cannot-Log-In, we flounced away most huffily to this new home away from home. We follow the flag of Jubboiter and talk about movies, life, the universe, and everything, often in a most vulgar fashion. All are welcome here, so long as they do not take offense to our particular idiom.
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Dalty
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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » September 4th, 2016, 3:34 am

It will only work if upside down on a rope ladder.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Scotia » September 4th, 2016, 4:35 pm

It's a bit late but my congratulations to you. Best of luck and all.....but most of all enjoy them while they are small cuz it lasts but an instant.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » September 5th, 2016, 1:25 am

A load of my mates kids are starting secondary school today. Christ, I feel old.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 13th, 2016, 4:12 pm

Any news Mal? Getting close?

Signed up for antenatal classes today. Hopefully will learn to get a grip on this! Nursery furniture ready to order too. Getting real now.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 25th, 2016, 8:33 am

Nursery furniture inbound and first other baby stuff bought. Freaking out a little.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by neglet » October 25th, 2016, 9:27 pm

Oh, please. You don't have to push a bowling bowl out of your body. Stop whining. And whinging, too.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » October 25th, 2016, 9:39 pm

I couldn't push a child out of the Down There even if I wanted to. My pelvis was crushed into many pieces by a van and fused back together by a combination of cold American steel and German medical science.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » October 25th, 2016, 9:52 pm

I say "German medical science," but I suppose it's more accurate to call it a German application of an outmoded technique developed by the ancient Greeks. Skeletal traction was the thing. It's my understanding that it's making a comeback, but I think a lot of people in orthopedic medicine still consider it quackery.

The US military hospital wanted to drive me to a US military hospital, take me out of traction, and put me in a body cast. The doctors at the German hospital to which I'd been rushed before my nationality could be determined (I was in shock for much of the ambulance ride and not entirely coherent) thought that would be a bad idea. My mother, who was pretty distrustful of US military hospitals, was persuaded to keep me where I was and how I was. It was probably for the best, though I suppose I'll never know.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 26th, 2016, 7:17 am

neglet wrote:Oh, please. You don't have to push a bowling bowl out of your body. Stop whining. And whinging, too.
Your bodies are designed to do that Negs. Our bodies are designed to flap about adding nothing of value and to worry about everything. This is the nesting phase. The next phase is the unconditional love phase to stop me from eating it!!! Its chemical.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 26th, 2016, 7:19 am

If they'd gave taken you to a US Military hospital then, in a freak admin accident, you could have accidentally had experimental armour embedded into you. We could have been reading funny books and watching Marvel movies about you.

Damn efficient Germans, robbing us of our superheroes.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » October 26th, 2016, 7:58 am

I'll probably be in a wheelchair by the time Jubboiter graduates from high school, whatever the case.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 26th, 2016, 2:10 pm

Will the wheelchair have AI and turbo boost? Do you have a leather jacket? Could you rock a perm?

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » October 26th, 2016, 2:59 pm

Considering my present inability even to pay Adam for his Swedish Fish Oreos, it's unlikely.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » October 26th, 2016, 3:02 pm

I don't wear jackets. I was once made to wear a permed mullet. For weeks. I didn't rock it.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 26th, 2016, 3:03 pm

Drive yourself up into a mobile command base for a flirty and playful exchange of views with a surprisingly hot technical support expert?

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » October 26th, 2016, 3:12 pm

Well, Jubbers will theoretically still be around, so it's possible.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 27th, 2016, 11:47 am

Will she wear a jumpsuit with shoulder pads? I could be the grouchy old Englishman who, while appearing exasperated at your recklessness, secretly feels all paternal and protective towards you.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » October 27th, 2016, 12:40 pm

I imagine she'll wear a t-shirt with jeans, same as always.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 27th, 2016, 1:57 pm

Knight Rider is teh bestest. Jubbers needs to realise!

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Jubbers » October 27th, 2016, 3:23 pm

Every single dress I was made to wear as a child had shoulder pads. Never again.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » October 27th, 2016, 3:24 pm

Did you ever perform mechanical engineering on a car with a personality while wearing them?

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » November 20th, 2016, 11:25 am

OK - Daddy advice. Little Dalty is due to make his appearance on 19th Jan. Obviously there is a period where complete abstention from alcohol on my part is desirable so I am in tip top condition for a hospital dash should it be required. I am thinking the moment NYE celebrations are out of the way then that's it. No booze, even a couple of after work beers with the team etc., until after Jr arrives. Is 1st Jan sensible timing for a 19th Jan due date, or should I be going earlier???

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Mal Shot First » November 20th, 2016, 2:25 pm

Dude, how often do you drink? This wasn't even a concern for me.

I imagine you should be fine if you stop drinking more than two weeks before the due date.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » November 20th, 2016, 2:53 pm

Most weekends. Just don't want to be settling down to a third glass of red wine on NYE and be told "Get the car!" and be worried in case I am over the limit!

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » November 20th, 2016, 3:12 pm

First antenatal class next Saturday where I am hoping the dark arts of parenthood will be revealed.......well, or at least some insight into the mysterious potions and powders all parents I know seem to carry with them at all times.

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