I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

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We once roamed the vast forums of Corona Coming Attractions. Some of us had been around from The Before Times, in the Days of Excelsior, while others of us had only recently begun our trek. When our home became filled with much evil, including the villainous Cannot-Post-in-This-Browser and the dreaded Cannot-Log-In, we flounced away most huffily to this new home away from home. We follow the flag of Jubboiter and talk about movies, life, the universe, and everything, often in a most vulgar fashion. All are welcome here, so long as they do not take offense to our particular idiom.
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The Swollen Goiter of God
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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » November 20th, 2016, 5:21 pm

Can you trust yourself not to get drunk if the baby comes a day late? You know, because that's the day of Trump's inauguration.

Also, it's unlikely there will be a mad dash. It's more than likely the case that you'll be fine taking public transportation to the hospital once it's clear it's time.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Jubbers » November 20th, 2016, 6:13 pm

I started having heavy contractions wirh Jubboiter around 11 pm or so. We went to the hospital around midnight after calling Goiter's family - who live eight to ten hours by car away. I did not actually deliver Jubboiter until 6:45 PM - Goiter's family had plenty of time to arrive and then some.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by neglet » November 20th, 2016, 9:32 pm

Two weeks sounds reasonable, but there's no guarantees, especially with a first baby.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » November 21st, 2016, 12:04 am

Go cold turkey. Do it this Friday. Cold turkey on the Friday following Thanksgiving is a US tradition. Embrace this tradition the way you've embraced so much of the rest of our culture.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » November 21st, 2016, 3:17 am

But....... Xmas???!?

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » November 21st, 2016, 9:34 am

We also eat turkey at Christmas. What are we, thousandaires? You think we can afford duck or goose?

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » November 21st, 2016, 11:31 am

I am having beef this year.

Not Kanye/Jay-Zed style.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Adam54 » November 23rd, 2016, 11:17 am

Can you make Dalty Jr. wait for his hatching until January 22? I hear that's a fine, fine day to be born.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » November 23rd, 2016, 12:05 pm

First babies are frequently late, so you never know!

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Mal Shot First » December 30th, 2016, 8:55 pm

As you may have surmised based on my long absence from the forum and the sporadic activity during the past month, I've had my hands full sharing the duty of taking care of my newborn son. Young Greedo (not his real name) was born at the end of November and was a handful right from the start. Vespa had wanted to do a natural childbirth, but when we got to the hospital, the fetal heart monitor was detecting a heart rate half of that what would be typical for a full-term fetus. The doctor used a sonogram to determine whether the heart was actually functioning correctly and found that our son had an arrhythmic heart rate, but the good news was that it was beating at the expected rate. They hypothesized that the arrhythmia may have been messing up the way the monitor was picking up the heart rate. They considered letting my wife go through regular labor, but after consulting with some of the senior physicians, they concluded that it would be unsafe for her to do it because the fetal heart monitor is the only way to keep track of the baby's heart activity during labor, and if they couldn't rely on it to give an accurate reading, there would be no way for them to tell whether the baby was in distress or not. Therefore, they strongly recommended a C-section, which is what Vespa ended up consenting to.

She actually recovered from it remarkably quickly (the delivery was at 5 a.m. and she was already walking that evening) and thankfully didn't experience any consequences from the epidural. Greedo was automatically checked into the NICU for monitoring of his cardiac arrhythmia. Apparently, this is something that happens in quite a few fetuses and persists until after birth in about 2% of all newborns. He stayed in the NICU for a week until he was cleared to go home. Since Vespa had undergone surgery, she was checked in at the hospital for the majority of the time, and once she was discharged, they let her stay in one of the overnight rooms for nursing mothers at the NICU. I was there with her for the majority of that time. That was a pretty rough start to parenthood. I lost about 4.5 lbs (that's 2 kg, Dalty) during that week.

We've at last reached a state where things feel like they've settled down a bit and we've managed to get into a sort of routine. By now, the cardiac arrhythmia has cleared up (based on the readings during a 24-hour period from an at-home monitor we were provided a couple of weeks back). Up to the day of my son's birth, I had a hard time imagining myself as a father (and it still doesn't feel quite real; it hasn't yet become a full part of my self-perception), but as soon as I held him for the first time, I felt like it was my duty to protect him and keep him safe. It's freaky how easily we can be manipulated by these little soft squirmy creatures. He's starting to smile more frequently now, and I'm finding that regardless of how frustrated I get sometimes that he's crying and won't go to sleep, when I see that smile on his face after all of that, my heart just melts and I forget that I was even frustrated 20 minutes ago.

Here are a couple of pictures from the hospital:
Greedo with a hat
Happy Buddha

At this point, he looks like he takes more after his mother's side of the family.

Oh, and here's a funny story: The elevator I used every day at the hospital had the following label under the button panel:
Image
Not really the message you want to see in a hospital.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by neglet » December 30th, 2016, 9:31 pm

Congrats on baby Greedo! How reassuring that his early troubles are resolved, and that mom is healing. (I had an unexpected c-section myself--no ill effects, except a patch of dead nerves near the incision.) Parenthood is pretty amazing, and your baby is super cute (of course). Enjoy, it goes fast! It seems just a little while my son was born, and we just got back from visiting Offspring in his new apartment in a different state where he is starting his new career.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Mango » December 30th, 2016, 11:49 pm

I too offer congratulations, and concur that you have a cute baby.

Well, my girlfriend cooed and I nodded in a manly manner.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » December 31st, 2016, 3:27 am

What a cutie! Love to you both. Happy things are going good now after a few hiccups.

Any day now for me - technically full term already.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » January 13th, 2017, 9:33 am

Bloody Braxton Hicks - specifically designed to confuse and panic unwary fathers to be!

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Adam54 » January 13th, 2017, 9:39 am

Nine more days, Dimple. NINE MORE DAYS. Make her hold out nine more days and the kiddo can forever have the same birthday as your dear friend Adam Skoglund!

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » January 13th, 2017, 11:11 am

Hmmmmmmmm - I am seesawing between it being imminent and really late/requiring induction. Due date is this coming Weds but we shall see.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by The Swollen Goiter of God » January 13th, 2017, 11:15 am

If you guys can hold out until next Friday, you'll be able to celebrate your kid's birthday and Trump's inauguration together!

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » January 13th, 2017, 1:37 pm

I reckon more famous people will sing at my kids birth, and Meryl Streep will be happier about it.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Space Tycoon » January 16th, 2017, 9:37 pm

Wasn't Azalea Banks rumoured to be performing at Trumpfest? Was that ever confirmed? Or did I imagine it in some fever dream....

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Space Tycoon » January 16th, 2017, 9:45 pm

Oh, and congradulations Mal, that is excellent to hear. I too have been neglecting this place, have obviously missed quite a bit of important stuff. Hope things continue to remain positive going forward.

"Going forward." Jeez, I sound like a manager.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » January 18th, 2017, 7:46 pm

Holy shit balls people - I am actually a father! It's only gone and actually happened!!!

Ched Chip Chet Hank Jr. III arrived at 10:55 GMT Weds night. Mum did amazingly - Dad managed not to panic, flap or generally balls anything up.....

He arrived 1hr and 5mins before his due date therefore proving he takes after his Dad who believes it is only polite to be on a little early in order to be on time!!

Right, anyone know where a man of high means can go to buy some sleep? I have been led to believe it will become rare and precious.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Space Tycoon » January 18th, 2017, 8:09 pm

Congratulations!! That is awesome news Dalty, very pleased to hear.

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Jubbers » January 18th, 2017, 9:10 pm

Congrats!

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Dalty » January 19th, 2017, 1:15 am

8hrs later and fear is setting in! Are they really going to trust ME with another life? How does it work? Is there an instruction manual? Did all that really come from one small baby?

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Re: I'm going to be a father, motherfuckers!

Post by Master Skywalker » January 19th, 2017, 11:40 am

Dalty wrote:Holy shit balls people - I am actually a father! It's only gone and actually happened!!!

Ched Chip Chet Hank Jr. III arrived at 10:55 GMT Weds night. Mum did amazingly - Dad managed not to panic, flap or generally balls anything up.....

He arrived 1hr and 5mins before his due date therefore proving he takes after his Dad who believes it is only polite to be on a little early in order to be on time!!

Right, anyone know where a man of high means can go to buy some sleep? I have been led to believe it will become rare and precious.
Congrats, Dalty! You've taken your first step into a larger world.

A world without sleep, personal time, or full privacy. :mrgreen: :P :D
On December 15, 2017, the Greatest Saga Ever continues!
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