AICN Ridicule Page

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

"This episode, we're gonna be talking about the Oscars. That's right! The Academy Awards. Not necessarily this year's, but sort of . . . all the moments and things about the Oscars that just drive us friggin' nuts."

Harry, you cheeky bastard!

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Here's a link to the new episode, by the way.

"This book, here, was given to me by Roger Ebert when I hosted an episode of Ebert at the Movies."

I think he was on a total of two or three episodes from 1997 to 1999. I watched one of 1999 episodes. I'm guessing Ebert gave him the book in 1999. Otherwise, Harry would have said Siskel and Ebert, since Siskel was still alive during his first appearance. Harry's one of the handful of people Ebert brought in when Siskel was on hiatus to deal with health issues.

It should be noted that it's more accurate to say he co-hosted it and that Ebert was very clearly in charge. Second, it should be noted that Harry handled himself pretty poorly. He's still made fun of for his appearance on the show--even though it was during a period when there was a lot more good will for him.

You can find some footage of one of the Harry-featuring episodes on YouTube. You can also find an Inside Edition spot on Harry from 1998. He comes across a bit obnoxious, but he's nowhere near as obnoxious in these old clips as he is today.

[Dalty]

Is he really going to just keep serving up two year old interviews and not mention where the $130k went, or how much he got from other sources?

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

"As you grow up, you just get frustrated and you root for these things and you don't understand that there's politics behind the Oscars. I mean, any Academy race that is actually decided by campaigning for the award . . . that's politics, not an honest judge of quality! You know, they should just allow the viewers to see the movies and make up their minds! Don't get out there and glad-hand and shake!"

You don't tell me what I don't understand, Harry Knowles!

[Dalty]

I literally cannot watch this show anymore as my urge to punch him repeatedly in the face just becomes all consuming. It's irrational.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

I had only made it four-and-a-half minutes into the video when I wrote the above. I've come back to finish it. I'll write observations below:

Harry's talking about how Citizen Kane didn't win the best picture Oscar. He talks about How Green Was My Valley, but he keeps calling it How Green Was Your Valley.

I think he's begun three of the last five sentences with "I mean."

"If you went through, and you watched all those films, and you felt that How Green Was Your Valley placed in the top four, I would be shocked as a movie fan. It's inconscionable!"

"I knooow! I shouldn't be this passionate about it!"

"The thing that kills me about this year's Oscars . . . it's that Lone Ranger got nominated for best visual effects, and Pacific Rim didn't!"

Jesus, Harry. I know you guys shot this more than a year ago, but do you really give that little of a shit? You couldn't edit the above line out and make it a little easier to pretend that this was shot somewhat recently?

All right. I need another break from this thing.

[Dalty]

It's hard going isn't it? Best break it up into manageable chunks. Sitting through all of it could be bad for blood pressure.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

All right, damn it. I'm going to finish this stupid Ain't It Cool episode. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!

Only seventeen minutes left to go. I can do this.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

If I had a stronger stomach, I'd go back and count the number of times Harry has said "friggin'." I get that this is public television and that he can't say "fuckin'," but "fuckin'" comes pretty naturally as an intensifier. "Friggin'" doesn't. It stands out the same way "gosh darn" stands out.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Harry, stop trying to make Pacific Rim happen. It's not going to happen.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

"Now, they give the award to E.T., and I know why. It's Henry Thomas's crying eyes and John Williams's brilliant score. It just sold that the lifeless rubber thing was alive, because you felt that it was alive. That's not a visual effect. That's John Williams, and that's, like, a god composing. But that year, while that score won Best Score, there was a travesty here. I mean, there was some good stuff nominated that year. You had Gandhi. Great score. You had Poltergeist. Jerry Goldsmith just knocked that out of the park. You had Sophie's Choice, which may not be a score that you rock out to, but . . . it gets you sad. Every single time. It gets you sad! But you know what? The score for An Officer and a Gentleman . . . are you friggin' kidding me? Conan the Barbarian! Basil Poledouris! His best score! One of the greatest scores in the entire history . . . HISTORY . . . of cinema! Ignored!"

I had to play the last bit on loop before I could pick up the word "ignored," and even then, I had to guess that this is what Harry was saying. Way to go, sound team. I basically only figured it out because I knew Poledouris wasn't nominated. I think it's a great score. I'm not sure if I could choose between it and the E.T. score. Talk about a Sophie's Choice! (To hell with Sophie's Choice. I choose Strider's Choice. I choose Rorschach's path. No compromises!)

Is Harry actually trying to set up a scenario wherein E.T. was the least of all the scores nominated? I'm not sure that he is. If he is, though, that's plain ol' silly.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

I'm at the guest interview section. Finally. This show's at its best when there's someone other than Harry to cut to.

Ernest Cline's the guest. He seems like a personable guy. It wouldn't take me half a week to get through a twenty-five-minute video of him.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Cline asks Harry, "What's the angriest you ever got watching the Oscars?"

Harry says, "Uh... when Return of the Jedi didn't win Best Costumes. I... I was just, like, 'How do you not give it to the Gamorrean Guard costume?!' It was just, like, I... because I was just young enough that I believed the Gamorrean Guards were real pig people that were walking around. That was just, like... I was innocent enough inside to... "

Cline says, "So when you think of Return of the Jedi, and you think about costumes, you think about Gamorrean Guards. That's what comes to your mind?"

Harry says, "Over even Princess Leia's slave girl outfit, because I don't look at... I... I... "

Cline says, "She's not a piece of meat to you?"

Harry says, "She's not a piece of meat to me. No, no, no. To me, she's a cuddle doll for the Jabba costume, which was even cooler!"

Come off it, Harry. You were almost twelve when Return of the Jedi came out. Are you really trying to convince us that you were so "innocent" you thought the Gamorrean Guards were real pig people? I was three when it came out, and even I understood the Gamorrean Guards were people in pig suits.

I think Harry's going for a joke, here, since the Gamorrean Guards would more than likely be considered special effects, makeup effects, or some combination of the two.

Ugh. Still four minutes to go. I need another break.

[Dalty]

The absolute, unavoidable and simple fact here is that he generally has no right to be on TV.

Our unchecked and ill-considered musings here are very amusing and relevant to us, right now. Our opinions are just that. Our personal foibles and approaches are indulged and tolerated or even encouraged.

However it would all make absolutely shit viewing to anyone else in the entire universe.

The trouble here is that Harry has taken that total shit bucket, painted 'this really matters' on the bucket and then just thrown it at the wider world whilst convincing himself it is something other than a bucket full of fucking shit, and expecting the world to agree!

[Mal Shot First]

Are you suggesting that HF is on the same level as AICN? How DARE you!

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Finally finished the fucker. You can see brief glimpses of the fabled "Wall of Thanks" (always out of focus) in a featurette that follows after the episode ends.

The focus of the featurette is Harry's father. He doesn't seem to be as annoying as his son, but his fingernails are long and gross. I feel like a douche for pointing this out. I want to be the guy who says that people should be allowed to keep their fingernails however they please and that he's not bothered by people doing as they please with their fingernails. I want to be this guy, but it turns out I'm not.

[Dalty]

That, and dirty shoes!

......and showing his 3yr old son endless Slasher movies.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

The third episode is up. Do I dare?

[Dalty]

It will only upset you.

[Dalty]

So he's posted another stream of mad and incoherent ramblings about Adam's favourite movie, saying he has always loved the FF franchise.

A Talkbacker called him on it and posted his FF1 and 2 reviews in Talkback. Harry then deleted the reviews from the site back catalogue. Classic.

[Dalty]

I think he has surpassed himself this time - and the talkback for this will be a thing of beauty!!

http://www.aintitcool.com/node/71201

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

From this article:

Hey folks, Harry here... Before Michael Crichton ever wrote JURASSIC PARK, I loved the old DINOSAUR ATTACKS cards, and with JURASSIC WORLD, in addition to just wanting to see the fully operational park go wrong, which is more like a combining of Chrichton's WESTWORLD and... Oh hey... See what they did there! Cool. But once the Dinosaurs go into action mode in this BEHIND THE SCENES piece, I just can't get those old cards out of my head.

I'm pretty sure he means the Dinosaurs Attack! cards from the late eighties. He may mean something else, though, since I don't think of things from the late eighties as being all that old, and since Dinosaurs Attack! is clearly not the same as DINOSAUR ATTACKS.

If he does mean the Dinosaurs Attack! cards, it seems pretty strange that he would be trying to grab some kind of cred with them. Crichton's book came out in 1990. It's not like the cards predated the book by that much. Harry would have been in his late teens when both were released.

Here's my shot at rewriting and de-douchifying what he wrote:

Hey, folks. Harry here.

Before Michael Crichton wrote Jurassic Park, he wrote West World. I think the "World" in Jurassic World may be a nod to Crichton--especially since the park in this movie appears, like the one in West World, to start out as a functioning park.

Does anybody remember the Dinosaurs Attack! cards from the late eighties? The action shots in this behind-the-scenes video remind me of those.

[Mal Shot First]

I think he just writes the first thing that pops into his mind without actually bothering to edit any of it. So goddamn annoying.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Harry constantly does something we now most closely identify with the hipster: he wants us to know he liked X before the rest of us either liked it or knew about it. It seems really weird/dumb to me that he'd try to do it with the Dinosaurs Attack! cards. Again, there was only a year or two between the release of those cards (they were Topps cards, and you could find them at places like gas stations and Wal-Mart) and Crichton's book. Harry usually tries to reach a bit farther back in time or go a bit more obscure when he's begging for cred. It's rare for him to do it with things released during the lifetime of AICN's average readership. (For all I know, the site's attracting younger readers. The Talkbackers who do most of the posting are all my age or a little older, but that doesn't mean much. It could be that there are tons of younger readers who don't comment. Commenting on articles seems like an old man's game these days. Tweeting seems to be more the young kid's game.)

I suppose the Dinosaurs Attack! cards were a sort of fifties-stylized, long-after-the-fact sequel to the Topps Mars Attack cards, so maybe Harry remembers them as being older than they actually are. The thing I remember most about them was how grossly inaccurate the sizes, postures, and diets of the represented dinosaurs were. (*Now* who's makin' a sad grab at cred? Ol' Look-at-Me Goiter. That's who.) I didn't realize as a kid that this gross inaccuracy was intentional. I also didn't really know of the existence of the Mars Attacks cards until promotional material for the Tim Burton movie started coming out. I was still about nine months removed from real Internet access or cable television, so I was still about nine months removed from being able to fake my way through claims of familiarity with various older properties.

Of course, it could also be that Harry's just doing his own thing and isn't doing nearly as much persona crafting as it always seems like he's doing. I know there's occasional trolling involved where Harry's concerned (his continued use of "Giggle!" despite the majority's vocal opposition to it is evidence of this), but there are just as many instances where he has said something dumb and has tried to cover his tracks by pretending he had been trolling all along. (This happens a good bit, but the most famous example of it is the Brian Cox fiasco. If it had been real trolling, one would think he wouldn't own up to it in an attempt to save face. Then again, Harry's Harry. Who knows what's going on in that head of his?)

I'm not sure I agree with Harry's suggestion that the title of Jurassic World is a nod to West World. Points to the filmmakers if that is the case, but I think it's more likely that the "World" part is supposed to be evocative of Disney World, Wizarding World, SeaWorld, and various other "World" parks. (Fake Strider might have yet another take.) Nothing says park-making-a-killing-off-licensing like throwing a "World" at the end of the park's name.

In Harry's defense, it's not that far-fetched that they would be making a nod to West World in the title. People have been comparing Crichton's West World to Crichton's Jurassic Park for a quarter of a century. Because of this pretty old and pretty obvious connection, it makes Harry's "discovery" of it all the more annoying--for me, at least.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

I figured I'd go against type for once and share something from AICN that I thought was pretty good.

Quint posted the following image of Chris Pine to go along with this article (no need to visit the link if you don't wanna; I'm cutting out the middleman and posting what I want you to see below):



Well, that Ol' Biggus Dickus, he took one look at this image, and here's what he said:

Chris Pine looks like Peter Dinklage's reflection in a carnival mirror.