Product Reviews

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This is where we can talk about shit we have bought and subsequently broken or grown to love, so maybe we can help others avoid our retail mistakes.

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But first, other product reviews:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews ... ewpoints=1

[Mal Shot First]

Judging by some of the reviews, it probably wouldn't be such a bad thing if this gel also caused impotence.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

And infertility. Just in case.

[Mal Shot First]

I used to have problems with my umbrellas turning out and becoming useless relatively quickly. Then I figured it's probably because I'm buying cheap-ass $10 umbrellas. One year, I went through three umbrellas in short succession - one got turned out beyond repair the first time I used it - which convinced me that if I was going to spend $30-$40 on three cheap umbrellas, I might as well try a $45 umbrella that's advertised as windproof.

Man, was that one of the best purchasing decisions I ever made! It has a flexible fiberglass framework and a layered dome design that lets the wind pass through but not the rain. And it's as big as a frickin' tent. I've been using it for about five years now and it has never gotten turned out, even on some pretty gusty days. I'd recommend it, but I don't know the manufacturer or the model. I'm sure you can find this type of umbrella pretty much anywhere, though.
Mine looks sort of like this: http://www.amazon.com/WindJammer-ShedRa ... 0040CBROM/

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

I've never spent more than ten bucks on an umbrella. My umbrellas never turn out. You're clearly doing it wrong.

[Mal Shot First]

If I can't use my umbrella to parasail, it's a piece of garbage.

[Dalty]

Why, today, barely two hours ago, my Umbrella got so turned inside out and all around that it made Rhianna go running back to Chris Punchy-Fella.

Thanks Mal, will buy one like yours.

[Mal Shot First]

For years now, I've been on a family wireless plan with my parents and my sister through Verizon because it was supposedly relatively cheap (plus, my parents bundled this phone service with TV and internet, so they're getting a bit more out of it than I). After looking at some other deals out there recently, though, I've come to the conclusion that I'm not getting the best value for the money I'm paying. The Verizon Wireless service gives us a communal 700 minutes, no data, and I have to pay $5 extra to get 250 text messages a month. After taxes, the cost per individual on this plan comes out to something like $35. It's crap.

For this reason, I've been trying out one of those companies where you pay on a monthly basis without a contract. The cheapest one I was able to find (with the most value, that is) is H2O Wireless. For $30 a month, you get unlimited minutes, unlimited text messages, and 500 MB of data... and a few other things that aren't of any real interest to me. Up to now, I had a regular old cell phone, but my wife had an Android phone she wasn't using anymore, so I decided to try it out. H2O uses AT&T's network, so any phone that's unlocked for AT&T will work with this company as well - you just have to get an H2O SIM-card and put it in there. So far, I've had no complaints: calls and texts work fine, and being able to check my e-mails on the go makes me feel like I've finally joined the 21st century. This may end up being a permanent solution for me.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Here's how I deal with the text message limitation: I don't text. I have some relatives who text me on occasion--just to be douches, I guess, since I've told them a number of times that texting annoys the hell out of me. These relatives get relatively lengthy texts back from me. I don't use my phone, because that would take ages. I text them back from Gchat.

I set up a telephone number through Google for this very reason. I can use my keyboard, and I don't have to cycle through shit to get the punctuation I want. I should also mention that I don't have a fancy smart phone, so I'm still dealing with actual buttons. Smearing my greasy fingers all over a touch screen annoys me even more than dealing with these buttons, which already annoys me greatly. I'm also dealing with meaty, giant fingers. These fingers were made for keyboards. They weren't made for phone buttons the size of poppy seeds.

Call me or leave me a voice message, motherfuckers. If you're in a hurry and can't talk, just say that and hang up. If you have laryngitis, send me an initial text apologizing for your laryngitis and alerting me to the appearance of subsequent texts. If you want me to continue the correspondence via text (since you may not be able to give me verbal responses), expect future texts to come from my Google number. They don't cost me a thing. I'm happy to send dozens.

[Mal Shot First]

I don't use text messages as a way to chat with people. If I want to have a conversation I'll actually call the person I'm contacting.

Texts are useful when you want to send messages that you don't expect other people to respond to. When you're picking up somebody, for example, and you just want to tell them you're outside: just text a quick "I'm here" instead of calling them, waiting for them to pick up, and telling them you've arrived. Or if I'm out and about and my wife wants me to pick up something from the store, she'll just send me a quick message - no reason to make it more complicated. It's also less annoying to check text messages than to check voice mail - you don't have to call your mailbox, log in, wait for the menu, and listen to a message. For me, it's also easier to pick up the necessary information from a written message than it is to do so from a spoken message.

In any case, the point I was trying to make is that I'd be paying around $30-$35 for either service, so I might as well go with the one that offers me more bang for my buck (you know, like you did in your purchase of the crotch-rot cream).

[Quasar]

Could someone with access to Goits replace the contents of this crotch-rot cream tube with something that looks similar but doesn't help with the crotch-rot? If it had negative side effects as well, that would be a plus.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

[quote=Mal]When you're picking up somebody, for example, and you just want to tell them you're outside: just text a quick "I'm here" instead of calling them, waiting for them to pick up, and telling them you've arrived.[/Mal]
I think texting and calling in this case require about the same amount of involvement. You make it sound like calling them is as complicated for you as opening a jar is for Infomercial Ignatz. (Not really. I just wanted to say "Infomercial Ignatz.")

Checking voice mail can be a hassle. It sucks when you wind up with voice mails you didn't know you had, thanks to getting a call when your phone was dead or when you were out of service range.

I'm currently using Jubbers's old phone, and it has this really awkward and annoying scroll wheel. It's alternately too sensitive and not sensitive enough. It's also what you're supposed to click for the "OK" command. It can be tough as shit to click it. It'll scroll when you want to click it and click when you want to scroll it. It's worse with texting, even, than the phone I had before it, because it requires repeated clicking of "OK" to get to read or respond to texts. I've had to start texts over three or four times in the past, since clicking "OK" to send the text often leads to it scrolling and asking if you want to save the text as a draft. Then you have to scroll to "yes" or "no" to do this. "No" won't return you to the text. It will delete the whole fucking message. Sometimes, I'll try to click on "yes," and it will scroll to "no" and delete the message. Hitting the "CLR" button sometimes takes me back to the message and sometimes doesn't. Maybe none of this would happen if I had tiny doll hands.

Typing the message takes nowhere near as long on Jubbers's phone than it did on the phone I used to use. That phone had the old rotary-like setup where each number (save the 1 and 0) represented three-to-four letters. This phone has a tiny keyboard. My sausage fingers often hit the wrong key, but it still takes less time than it used to. The majority of the time is spent dealing with scroll wheel accidents.

Speaking of the crotch-rot cream: it did the trick.

I'm still not sure I trust it. You should probably trust something before you start slappin' all over your jungle parts. I guess I don't value my jungle parts enough.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

I'm surprised Jubbers has yet to turn "crotch-rot" into "c********t."

[Mal Shot First]

It may just be me, but I really don't like talking on the phone to people unless I'm talking to a good friend. If you have to call someone to talk to them about one thing, you often can't just cut right to the chase - especially if you haven't talked to that person in a while - but there's usually some kind of small talk involved before you get to the real reason you're calling. With text messages, a quick "Hey!" or "Hey, what's up!" often takes care of that part of the conversation, regardless of how long it's been since you've been in contact with the other person.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I do cut right to the chase. The only time I don't cut right to the chase is with friends. If I'm calling someone for a very specific reason, it's the next thing I say after I say hello and tell them (or remind them, if we've spoken before) who I am. I don't beat around the bush. It's less about wasting their time than it is about wasting my time. Maybe I'm thought less of for this approach. I don't know.

I usually don't ask people what they're up to, how they've been, or what they're doing unless I actually care. At the very most, I might throw in a line about how I hope I haven't interrupted them. Even that line's usually reserved for people I care about.

I used to draw out conversations with telemarketers. I'm not sure if it was because I was annoyed with their calls or if it was because I was lonely. (No, Fake Strider.) I eventually came to the realization that they had their job to do and that all I had to do was hang up. They get hung up on all day. It's nothing personal. I go about my day, they go on to the next number.

[Quasar]

Speaking of the crotch-rot cream: it did the trick.

I'm still not sure I trust it. You should probably trust something before you start slappin' all over your jungle parts. I guess I don't value my jungle parts enough.

Does Jubbers have a say in whether you use untrustworthy stuff on your jungle parts? I'm assuming at some point your jungle parts plan on playing with her jungle parts.

[Mal Shot First]

Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I do cut right to the chase. The only time I don't cut right to the chase is with friends.

Well, I wasn't really talking about business-type calls to people I've never met. I was referring to people who are colleagues or acquaintances, whom I might call with regard to some kind of personal matter or favor. Maybe I want to borrow a tool or something. In those situations, I feel like it would be rude to call and skip the pleasantries. With a text message, on the other hand, people tend to be more forgiving because they know about the space restrictions.

That's not to say that I don't want to talk to these people otherwise. I just feel like there's this artifice to phone conversations that I don't like. It's even worse on Skype when the video feed is turned on. It makes me pretty uncomfortable.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

I feel like it would be rude to call and skip the pleasantries.

Oh, it's definitely rude. That's why I do it.

Americans need a little more rudeness in their lives. They need to see how the rest of the world works.

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I could not live without text messages, WhatsApp, Facebook chat etc.etc. it's an essential.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

I can't live if living is without you.

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If you don't reply to my texts you might have to.

[The Swollen Goiter of God]

Oh, I'll reply to your texts.

From my Google account.

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Nespresso machine from Krupps. Not only does it make epic coffee and have George Clooney in the adverts, it also looks sexy in my kitchen.

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Frothy milk too. Weeeeeeeeeeee!